Come to the Town Square

I recently attended a gathering of women in my neighborhood, celebrating the birthday of the Relief Society, a worldwide women’s organization committed to relieving the challenges of women, and bringing us closer to each other, to our families, and to God.  When we arrived, we were invited to write a little fact about ourselves that others might not know.  Later during the activity, the organizer read these tidbits aloud, and we guessed who the fact described. 

We went through many slips of paper, and it was delightful to learn these things about my friends and neighbors.  Then came this nugget:  “I was the queen of my high school prom.”  There were murmurings of who could it be, then someone called out my name!  This quickly and absolutely shockingly garnered quite a bit of consensus.  I couldn’t help but laugh out loud – I went to my high school prom, but was certainly not the queen.    The true queen was my sweet 90-year-old neighbor, Joann. 

I would have been mortified to be the queen – to have all those eyes on me, considering me, making assumptions about me, good or bad.  I am actually painfully shy – my community just doesn’t know that about me.  Perhaps that is what I should have written on my slip of paper.  But I’m too shy to let people know that I’m shy.  So instead I wrote that I won a shoe-shining contest when I was 7.

Later in the activity, my amazing neighbor Joan read us the story “Stone Soup.”  This is a story about some soldiers who needed some food and lodging, but nobody in the community was willing or able to share.  So, the soldiers gathered everyone to the town square, and announced they were going to make stone soup.  The community was intrigued, and pulled together to offer the soldiers all that – and more than – was needed to make the soup. 

After reading the story, we discussed what it could mean to us.  There were many insightful comments, but one struck a chord in my heart.  A woman said, “We need to find our town square, and gather there.”  Town squares, and all of the things that transpired there, don’t really exist in our day.  At least in my community.  But we need to find a way to create the effect of a town square.  We need to know each other.  We need to be aware of each other.  We need to reach out and invite in.  But that is hard.  At least for people like me who truly feel they are, in a sense, invisible. 

But invisibility isn’t an option I should choose.  Even though I’m no prom queen, I need to go to the town square. 

Years ago I was challenged to reach out, to let people know me; to use media to spread the word of the Lord and better the world I live in.  At that time, I was stumped about the recommended use of media.  Should I major in communications?  Go into broadcast journalism?  Nothing like that felt remotely interesting or like something I had to do.  So I didn’t.  But I remained compelled but stumped.

Now “social media” is a thing.  A huge thing.  I feel a little like it’s staring me in the face.  Facebook?  Instagram?  Twitter?  I just can’t bring myself to jump publicly and loudly into that.  Maybe I should, but I can’t.  So, I thought maybe this blog would be the baby step I need.  My inclination is to keep everything private (all of my Pinterest boards are secret), but I will make this public.  I don’t know that anyone will read it, but it’ll be out there, a destination God can guide someone to if they need what I have to give.  I hope. 

It’s a start.  My step toward the town square.  I want to go.  I want to give.  Will you come and share?

Small and Simple Things

I just received a blow.  It took me to the ground.  It brought me to tears.  Big, wet, sobbing tears.  I have been struggling at the end of my rope for six years.  I thought I had come into the clear, and that thought brought glorious, giddy feelings to my heart.  But today I learned that I'm being pushed back under the turbulent waves, and I don't know how I'm going to survive and come back out on top.

More than for me, personally, I was excited for what the anticipated relief would have brought to my kids.  I have the utmost respect, admiration, and sympathy for single parents.  I have a wonderful, loving husband and father to my children, but because of our circumstances, I've essentially been the sole caregiver for our children, and they have suffered because of it.  I've done my best, but I feel like I'm failing, and I and my kids will pay for that eternally.  My kids need their father.  He is an amazing friend, teacher, and pillar for them, and they love, respect, and respond to him in ways they don't to me.  I needed to get my husband back.  But I don't get him right now.  And I worry - desperately - for my children.

As I sobbed on the floor of my baby's bedroom, A and C heard my distress and came to comfort me. They asked what was wrong.  I told them that some things were really hard for me, and I wasn't sure if I could do it.  C - one month away from being 4 - said, "You can do it, Mom.  You can do hard things.  I'll show you!"  He ran off for a few minutes, and came back with the scripture story book opened to a picture of Nephi.  "You can do it like him, Mom.  Nephi had to build a boat, and he didn't know how to.  Jesus helped him, and he'll help you, too, Mom!"  A echoed C's sentiments, and said Heavenly Father would help me, and she would help me, too.

I cleaned up the mess that was my face, poured my heart out to Heavenly Father, and opened my scriptures.  I read Alma 37 in the Book of Mormon.  Alma was speaking to his son Helaman about the "records" he had been entrusted with.  He said,

"by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.  And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls."  (v. 6-7)

These "means" in my life are not feeling very small right now, but maybe Heavenly Father has some great and eternal purpose for my family and me that requires these present...and prolonged...struggles?

I continued reading in verse 14:

"And now remember, my [daughter], that God has entrusted you with these things, which are sacred, which he has kept sacred, and also which he will keep and preserve for a wise purpose in him, that he may show forth his power unto future generations."

I thought of my children.  They are the "things, which are sacred."

Verse 15 speaks of the consequences of transgressing the commandments.  Let's not go there.  Verses 16 and 17, though, have great promises that I need to hold onto:

"But if ye keep the commandments of God, and do with these things which are sacred [my children] according to that which the Lord doth command you, (for you must appeal unto the Lord for all things whatsoever ye must do with them) behold, no power of earth or hell can take them from you, for God is powerful to the fulfilling of all his words.  For he will fulfil all his promises which he shall make unto you, for he has fulfilled his promises which he has made unto our fathers."

As I fret over all the ways I am failing my children, I need to remember that promise.  My children are a sacred entrustment from the Lord, and if I follow Him, "no power of earth or hell can take [my children] from [me]."  And "God is powerful to the fulfilling of all his words."  Remember that.  Whatever "means" He is working right now are certainly confounding me, but if they will bring about His purposes and the salvation of my precious children, I guess I'll just have to take a deep breath and hold on for the ride.

Just Ask

My oldest baby just turned four a couple of weeks ago.  My youngest is 16-months, and my middle splits the difference.  That means we have a lot of whining at our house.  The other day all three were whining about this, that, and the other.  I knew what they wanted, but they never asked for what they wanted.  They just whined.  If they would have asked, I would have been so happy to accommodate them.  But they didn't ask.  They just whined.  All I wanted was for them to just ask!

I experienced a moment of light amidst the cacophony of my children.  I thought of Matthew 6:8:

"...your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him."

I also thought of Alma 7:23:

"ask[] for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive."

Heavenly Father certainly knows what we need.  He is not surprised by our desires and requests.  He is omnipotent - he doesn't need us to turn any magic key for him to shower down blessings upon us.  But, I thnk that He prefers the title of Father to that of Omnipotent Provider.  As such, he just wants us to come to him and ask him - for everything  that we need.  Sure, he hears our whining and complaining, but that's not the same thing as asking.  I think that the act of asking connotes humility, trust, reliance, and love.  The act of asking builds a relationship, and that is what our Heavenly Father wants with each of us.

So, I suppose I had better set a better example for my children.  Instead of endlessly whining and complaining about what I lack and what I need, I need to go to my Heavenly Father in prayer and just talk with him about it.  I need to ask him to provide for me.  And he will.  After all,

"[c]onsider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet . . . even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."  Matt. 6: 28-29.

Just ask.

All You Need is Love

So, it's been a while.  It's been a crazy hard time in my life.  It still is.  I'm trying to see more of God's hand in my life.  I'm trying to simplify and focus on the important things.  I had a chance to do just that this week.

My little M has an excruciating case of hand-foot-and-mouth disease.  The sores are all over her lips, tongue, gums, throat, and roof of her mouth.  She can't eat anything...even melted ice cream sends her into hysterics over the pain it causes her.  You know it's really bad when a newly-minted 4-year-old turns down popsicles and ice cream and offers of ANYTHING she wants to eat.

You also know it's bad when M, who normally doesn't sit still long enough to start counting, snuggles on and into me for as long as I'll keep her.  Oh, it breaks my heart.  There is so much M needs:  comfort, relief from pain, nourishment, just to name a few.  But she didn't come to me asking, "Please take away the pain," or "Find me something to eat that I can eat."  She came simply to be held.  To be loved.

As I enveloped my little (and getting littler, thanks to h-f-a-m-d) girl yesterday, I thought of my relationship with Heavenly Father.  There is so much I need.  So much.  But he knows that.  Perhaps I need to take a break from pleading with him to provide me all of the answers, comfort, and relief that I need, and instead take some time to simply let him hold my heart.  To heal my heart.  When M climbed onto my lap and into my arms, her hysteria subsided and she found peace in my love.  That's what I need to do:  climb into my Heavenly Father's arms and feel his love and find his peace.  

It Matters What He Says

I have a three year old and a two year old who don't much love to pay attention to what I say.  Unless they are prefaced with "do you want a treat" or some other display of bribery or extreme threat, my words do not have much impact on my children.  Oh my, it is frustrating!  I often find myself telling them  that "What I say matters!"  They don't yet much think it does, but it does.  I love them.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to learn wonderful things.  I want them to have fun.  I want them to be well-adjusted.  I want them to be kind.  I want them to be obedient.  I want them to be responsible.  I want for my kids the things that most parents want for them.  I try to teach them and to guide them to these ends, but my words fall on uninterested ears.  But truly, what I say to them does matter.  If they would listen and obey, they would be so much the better for it.  If they would listen to and do the things I tell them, they would realize that the daily life I'd love to provide for them would, in and of itself, be bribe enough!  But they don't, and so instead of doing fun, interesting, and exciting things, we instead spend much of our time trying to just break even at the end of the day.  (Yes, I know there are all sorts of posts out there about disciplining kids and getting them to listen...we're trying, but not there!)  So, as I say over and over again that "what I say matters," I am reminded that just as what I say matters to my kids, what my Heavenly Father says matters to me.  I need to be listening and doing.

Today I read 1 Nephi 3:18 in The Book of Mormon, and my heart caught on this part of the verse:

"Wherefore, if my father should dwell in the land after he hath been commanded to flee out of the land, behold, he would also perish."

To put things in context, the sons of Lehi have returned to Jerusalem to obtain their family's genealogy (written on brass plates) from Laban, and Laban has shut them down.  They decided to try again, this time offering to purchase the brass plates with the gold, silver, and other valuable things Lehi had left in his Jerusalem home when he fled into the wilderness.  In verses 16-18, Nephi is explaining that the Lord had commanded Lehi to leave Jerusalem because Jerusalem was going to be destroyed.

So, back to verse 18.  It turns out that what the Lord told Lehi mattered.  It had real consequences attached to it:  obey God's word and obtain the Promised Land, or ignore God's word and perish.  Pretty serious business.  Good thing Lehi obeyed.  While it doesn't always seem like the promptings that we get from the Lord through the Holy Ghost are as significant as the commandment Lehi got to flee Jerusalem, or that the consequences of obedience or lack thereof are as serious, but at the end of the day, big or small, loud or soft, what God says matters.  He wants us to be happy.  He wants us to have fun.  He wants us to be successful.  He wants for us all the things - and more - that I want for my children.  Oh, how I hope I will respond to him how I strive to have my children respond to me, because what He says matters so much!

(In defense of my children, they are wonderful children.  They are just two and three and strong-willed and independent on top of that...I've got to cut them some slack, but keep working with them...)

Giving Chances

If you're familiar with The Book of Mormon, you are likely familiar with the story about Lehi asking Nephi to return to Jerusalem from the wilderness to obtain his family's genealogy from Laban, a distant relative.  Nephi's response to his father's request was indeed exemplary:

"I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."  1 Nephi 3:7

There is always much to learn from this scripture, such as the importance of willing obedience, and faith in the Lord's reasonableness, compassion, and power to do and provide all things.  I have read this verse countless times, and thought of it even more, grateful for the steady reminder of how I should be.

I have always focused my heart on Nephi's while reading this chapter of The Book of Mormon, but as I read this chapter yesterday, my attention was drawn for the first time to some of the messages conveyed by verse 5:

"And now, thy brothers murmur, saying it is a hard thing which I have required of them; but behold I have not required it of them, but it is a commandment of the Lord."

Lehi asked Laman and Lemuel first.  There is so much talk in these chapters about Nephi being made a ruler and teacher over his brothers, that I think I have overlooked some of the instances in which Lehi gave Laman and Lemuel opportunities to step up and make right choices.  This is one of them.  Lehi knew that Nephi and Sam were willing and obedient - he could have gone straight to them.  Instead, though, he asked Laman and Lemuel first.  He gave them a chance to obey.  They didn't take it, but he offered it.  Yes, it is always easier to go with the sure bet; but, we should never forego an opportunity to allow someone to surprise us with their desire to obey, to contribute, to love.  Perhaps we'll get the response Lehi got (a hearty "no" delivered with vigilant protest), but on the off chance someone wants today to be the day they turn back to the Lord, isn't it worth giving them a chance?  I vote yes.

If Your Heart is Full...

I am a control freak and a worry wart, a combination that subjects me to heartache and pain on more than a rare occasion.  I recently re-read 1 Nephi 1:15, and was reminded of the powerful lesson I learned from that verse.  It speaks of Lehi following his vision of Christ, the apostles, and the book they gave him to read.  After the vision, Lehi was full of praise for God, and this verse says:

"his soul did rejoice, and his whole heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him."

My heart caught hold of the phrase, "his whole heart was filled."  If my heart is filled with the glory and praise of God because of the truth and testimony that he has given to me, there will be no room for worry or hurt or wondering.  If it's full, there is no room left.  If it's full of goodness and glory, there is simply no room for the opposite.  What a motivating truth - I'd much rather have my heart full of praising and rejoicing, than the contrary!