I just received a blow. It took me to the ground. It brought me to tears. Big, wet, sobbing tears. I have been struggling at the end of my rope for six years. I thought I had come into the clear, and that thought brought glorious, giddy feelings to my heart. But today I learned that I'm being pushed back under the turbulent waves, and I don't know how I'm going to survive and come back out on top.
More than for me, personally, I was excited for what the anticipated relief would have brought to my kids. I have the utmost respect, admiration, and sympathy for single parents. I have a wonderful, loving husband and father to my children, but because of our circumstances, I've essentially been the sole caregiver for our children, and they have suffered because of it. I've done my best, but I feel like I'm failing, and I and my kids will pay for that eternally. My kids need their father. He is an amazing friend, teacher, and pillar for them, and they love, respect, and respond to him in ways they don't to me. I needed to get my husband back. But I don't get him right now. And I worry - desperately - for my children.
As I sobbed on the floor of my baby's bedroom, A and C heard my distress and came to comfort me. They asked what was wrong. I told them that some things were really hard for me, and I wasn't sure if I could do it. C - one month away from being 4 - said, "You can do it, Mom. You can do hard things. I'll show you!" He ran off for a few minutes, and came back with the scripture story book opened to a picture of Nephi. "You can do it like him, Mom. Nephi had to build a boat, and he didn't know how to. Jesus helped him, and he'll help you, too, Mom!" A echoed C's sentiments, and said Heavenly Father would help me, and she would help me, too.
I cleaned up the mess that was my face, poured my heart out to Heavenly Father, and opened my scriptures. I read Alma 37 in the Book of Mormon. Alma was speaking to his son Helaman about the "records" he had been entrusted with. He said,
"by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise. And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls." (v. 6-7)
These "means" in my life are not feeling very small right now, but maybe Heavenly Father has some great and eternal purpose for my family and me that requires these present...and prolonged...struggles?
I continued reading in verse 14:
"And now remember, my [daughter], that God has entrusted you with these things, which are sacred, which he has kept sacred, and also which he will keep and preserve for a wise purpose in him, that he may show forth his power unto future generations."
I thought of my children. They are the "things, which are sacred."
Verse 15 speaks of the consequences of transgressing the commandments. Let's not go there. Verses 16 and 17, though, have great promises that I need to hold onto:
"But if ye keep the commandments of God, and do with these things which are sacred [my children] according to that which the Lord doth command you, (for you must appeal unto the Lord for all things whatsoever ye must do with them) behold, no power of earth or hell can take them from you, for God is powerful to the fulfilling of all his words. For he will fulfil all his promises which he shall make unto you, for he has fulfilled his promises which he has made unto our fathers."
As I fret over all the ways I am failing my children, I need to remember that promise. My children are a sacred entrustment from the Lord, and if I follow Him, "no power of earth or hell can take [my children] from [me]." And "God is powerful to the fulfilling of all his words." Remember that. Whatever "means" He is working right now are certainly confounding me, but if they will bring about His purposes and the salvation of my precious children, I guess I'll just have to take a deep breath and hold on for the ride.
